Writer.

I would not call myself a writer, far from it. I like to write though. In my Spanish class today I was asked to write a self portrait of myself no not a biography, to write about something that claims my identity. I could either write about a moment in my life that changed me, a mix of two cultures, or two personalities. I have two personalities. One I let out through writing. She is more vocal, more out there, not afraid to write the truth or how it is. She will admit to herself that she is afraid, insecure, and maybe sometimes really doubtful. But she always pulls through. She gives the other one strength. Yet, the other one is quiet, soft spoken and when she wants to speak tears come out instead. She wants to speak she wants to let the writer one out in the open but, I won't let her. Why? Because I am a afraid. But she is not she is brave. Why won't I let her out? Because she serves a purpose in blogs to write the words and cannot say, to rationalize everything before I jump without looking. Yup, she's that kind of crazy. Dragging the world behind her with one hand, first jumping then looking. Not me, I have to stop her. But sometimes I want to let her free, to see the destruction she will have. She has a lot of heart, and voice. Mine in comparison stutters and looks down. she comes out sometimes with my friends, and sometimes I let her stay behind the curtain. What if I set her free? Let her roam for while? What is the trouble she will cause. So much I suppose. But yet, like Jose Luis Borges sometimes they get blurred and meshed into one not knowing which is which. Unlike Beyonce who pops up her alter ego Sasha Fierce.  So little one only when you are angry do you appear, in my writings you appear. I wonder if anyone reads this blog. Can you tell the difference between my personalities??
                                                                       xoxo,
                                                                        bEe

Neglection.

We all feel at one point or another we cannot deny that. But what I have noticed is that rejection it runs in circles. How you say? Simple I felt rejected by one of my friends here, I felt that because she had her close friend as a roommate I was now pushed aside into another dimension. It sucked balls. I was downgraded from hang out room to not even lunch buddies anymore. But I failed to realize that she herself is going through neglected period. As her friends moved on without her when they got their new place is was also a sense of being replaced, when one was chosen over the other after she made friends with her apartment and dance group, my friend like myself got pushed aside. But instead on leaning on me, she leaned on her roommate which is also her close friend because in a way she would never fully abandon her. So where does that leave me? I guess to find a new click right? I know what you are all thinking, well just hang out with her and her roommate she's your friend too. Well technically they both are. However, I feel like they have more in common together, bond in a different way that I do. Don't get me wrong I try to learn about the stuff their into and learn more about what they like, but it always ends up the same they leave me out... Now I know I should confront them and tell then how I feel but, I hate confrontations I really do. After I got sick,t hey started to see how much pressure I was in and how it was affecting my health. I guess they saw how lonely I was or maybe they felt bad. Either way a friendship is like a relationship you have to take care of it, you have to make sure both parties are putting in an equal amount of work. So while we get neglected by one we leaned on another and neglect the rest it becomes a vicious cycle of neglection. It takes time, it is not so easy to do. I know we need to work at it. Communication is key, so when to speak up and when to stay silent is important. For now, I am silent but there will come a time where I will speak up and say enough I'm important to. Because I am because were friends and because we care about each other.
                                                                   xoxo,
                                                                       bEe

Both of us.

"Someday, I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us." Sometimes we feel so alone in this big world, feeling left out  from the rest of the world. Missing those moments in life so precious in life, because we need to do work and school. It is sad. I wonder if you are lonely as I am, sometimes I feel that I am the only one feeling this way all alone so separated from you then i talk to you just for an hour and its like we might be separated from each other but connected in a deeper. Right now i wonder where you are and if you feel the same. pick up the phone and call, I say. But I am angry, but I am also to blame. This pride is too much. Maybe I don't want to break down. So I lean on someone else, someone who tells me he loves and cares for me, yet he tells me I am being to needy and that you need "space". I guess sometimes you are needy is that bad. Just feeling so low sometimes you need someone lean on you. Someday I'll come back home, come back to the place where I belong, where my family is. Where my baby is. To watch her grow to be part of her life more than ever. I hate to abandon you in your prime time. Watch make friends, tell mom and dad that your learning new things. I love watching you. How your smile brights up my day in any given second. How when I'm sad you come in and sing to me, the way your voice just comforts me its amazing that such a little princess came make me feel so good.You are my sunshine,the light at the end of the tunnel. To hear your voice when I am sad is all I need, to have you comfort me. You might not even know why, but you don't have to you just know and there for me. I write for you. To let you know I love you so much, that though I might not be there I will always be there in some form or another. Right now. NEEDY. That is what I feel. 
                             xoxo,
                              bEe