I can't fight any longer

Today I read a letter. After reading a shorty called "Walter no ha muerto". It touched me, because it reminded me of me...It was hard reading it even though the author tried imitating the voice and style of Virginia Woolf. It felt all to real. Our professor asked us to read a her note that she left behind to her husband. I read it and it took all my might not to cry in class. For I fear that one day I might find this note..that I might be a the other end reading for real. And I cried..it read like this:


 Tuesday. Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been.
 V.

My heart weeps because I am tired because I love you too much to let you go, but what if I am holding on to an idea that is no longer real that is no longer you. I can't picture my life without you because you have done so much for me, but for myself it kills me to know I won't be able to help you. Maybe I should just let go of the idea of us, so I can be free for myself and find peace in being single once again. Rejoice. Be happy. Because you deserve it. And if you cannot see that. How can I? I end with the words of Virginia Woolf"s:
 I don't think tow people could have been happier than we have been. and there has not...
xoxo,
 the real me

Love is giving someone the power to crush you, but you trusting them not to do so. Yet, the person you love will hurt you, and if its someone you care about it will happen more than one time. It hurts the inner most parts of your being, when someone tells you they do not love you anymore. Or they chose you for convenience not for love. Take a step and look at yourself in the mirror. I see myself privileged and loved. I surround myself with people that I adore my support system. Because I am afraid to be alone, because my family has always stood by me. Unlike others, but that is not my fault. Do not blame for that. I am lucky, but you can't criticize me for the way I was raised and you were not. We all go through pain. I chose to turn to God. You deny your past and until you decided to face it for what it really was then you and I will never be happy. You will always be  jealous of the love and support I have and you lack. I want to incorporate you into my world but become more spiteful of what communities I built. Jealous. That is what you are. I know see it. I can hear it. Your jealous that my parents call to check up, that they want me home and now what is going in my life, how they play such a huge role in the person I am and how I love. How I can pick up a phone and call whomever I choose. I am privileged I know that but I always want u in my world. But you won't accept it because u see me spoiled. I am spoiled but fuck you because I worked my fucken ass off to be where I am today and not you or anyone is going to make me feel bad for that. No even you.

Quotes

"I know you don't believe in God. You don't believe in the power of prayer, and that's okay -- to each his own. But you've gotta believe in something. Something more than you can touch, taste, or see. 'Cause life is too hard to go through it alone, without something to hold onto. And without something that's sacred."- Glee(Mercedes)

The hardest thing to do.(cause I don't want to lose you now)

What would be the hardest thing to do. Having to say goodbye when you are not ready. When you know it was not the time to say goodbye, but it occurred anyways. So maybe I should say goodbye. Take a deep breath, and think what do I want. It will be hard. But maybe I need some time to figure it out, it does not mean that it is the end but a time to reflect. But what can I do..I don't know how to communicate with you anymore. I don't want to lose you. NEVER. But it feels like you can't talk to me. I know we are not the perfect couple. We don't text each other 24/7 like other couples or are lovey dovey in public but we make it work. We love each other, we look out for each other. You make me laugh you make me a better person. You make me independent yet you are only a phone call away when I need you. However, it is difficult to be in a relationship. I love you never forget that. But there comes a time  where I feel lost and insecure. This isn't my first time done this road..I kind of know how it works. But I need to take pride in myself and know that I made so far without anyone by my side that my family loves and supports me and if one day you decide you do not need me in your life yes it will hurt yes I will cry but like past break-ups in my life I will pick myself from my knees but i get back on my feet and cannot loose my faith. So for all of you going through an emotional time in your life think and reflect ho strong you are and how far you have made it. 
                                                               xoxo,
                                                               bUmBlE bEe

It's just that simple.

Sometimes you tell lies to the people you love to save them from being hurt.It's just that simple. Or not..

Just write. Keep Writing. Let it go. breath. Look around you. Observe. Be happy. Identity who you are. Where were your goals. What happened to them? Are they still there? Take a reality check. Who is there for you? Who is not? Keep your mind open. Breath. Relax. Hope. Dream. Faith. You are going to be okay.

Writer.

I would not call myself a writer, far from it. I like to write though. In my Spanish class today I was asked to write a self portrait of myself no not a biography, to write about something that claims my identity. I could either write about a moment in my life that changed me, a mix of two cultures, or two personalities. I have two personalities. One I let out through writing. She is more vocal, more out there, not afraid to write the truth or how it is. She will admit to herself that she is afraid, insecure, and maybe sometimes really doubtful. But she always pulls through. She gives the other one strength. Yet, the other one is quiet, soft spoken and when she wants to speak tears come out instead. She wants to speak she wants to let the writer one out in the open but, I won't let her. Why? Because I am a afraid. But she is not she is brave. Why won't I let her out? Because she serves a purpose in blogs to write the words and cannot say, to rationalize everything before I jump without looking. Yup, she's that kind of crazy. Dragging the world behind her with one hand, first jumping then looking. Not me, I have to stop her. But sometimes I want to let her free, to see the destruction she will have. She has a lot of heart, and voice. Mine in comparison stutters and looks down. she comes out sometimes with my friends, and sometimes I let her stay behind the curtain. What if I set her free? Let her roam for while? What is the trouble she will cause. So much I suppose. But yet, like Jose Luis Borges sometimes they get blurred and meshed into one not knowing which is which. Unlike Beyonce who pops up her alter ego Sasha Fierce.  So little one only when you are angry do you appear, in my writings you appear. I wonder if anyone reads this blog. Can you tell the difference between my personalities??
                                                                       xoxo,
                                                                        bEe