rant.

Oh dear.Oh the cleverness of you. So dramatic.But aren't we all just a little over the top. Should not we all have are drama queen moment once in awhile? rant about life is tangent where we just need to let it all out? Go up to that jerk and tell him off how he broke your heart and do what many of us girls cannot do and only express it to our pillows or friends. If I could I would tell you that I honestly loved you, I fell hard and landed on that hard concrete mess of a pavement. Shattered and crushed I had to be literally picked up the floor. "I hate you." Are the words that I wanted to tell you, I wanted to make you jealous. But I missed you to much. You were my best friend. And then when I finally had you out of my thoughts out of my memory, loosening the grip you had over me, you knock me down back on my knees and had me break down to a Taylor Swift song while I did the most incredible rant about how Taylor Swift never really loved Taylor Lautner, when I was really ranting about you. Oh the power of a love song. Rant if I will I'll admit I'm dying to be knocked out of my socks by a guy that just throws me for a whirlwind. Prince Charmings please apply.=]
                                                                                                  xoxo,
                                                                                                    bee

understand me?good. At least were on the same page.

Stop.Give me a sec. kay? Overall I hear states of disillusionment around me, surprised? I guess not. The adult world comes with freedom, liberty, and the ever constant  pressures of responsibilities that was not your worry when you were a kid. However, when one takes the leap into the adult world sometimes we bite more than we could chew. How is this you say? You are dealing with family, your bills, your family's family, eviction and trying to keep it together. The pressures for a man to take responsibility to run the household is what society has created for generations in history, I would feel the pressure if its what society has out on me as well. To contrast though, I cannot feel obliged to be able to help as well, though mommy tells the little ones its not your concern how can you help it? how can you watch your family deal with some many pressures of just BARELY getting by and you there being able to do nothing? Is it fair you say? Of course not. But when is life ever fair. Contemplations. Mother's job to keep her family together, she's the fighter who will dig her nails in the ground to make sure her child is missing NOTHING, even if she herself will starve her ambitions be grinned to the ground to her its an act of love and nothing more. As I step into this adult shoes feeling them much to big, as i walk they slip off and I struggle to keep them on. So what if I do something I love, but doesn't support me, what if I do something I hate but it supports my family, what if I have to beg, steal and cheat to keep your family well and together? Is it wrong? most likely. But were they doing to survive? with out a doubt. Is there a right answer? you tell me. Will you yourself sacrifice your happiness like your parents did for you? Will you redden them as you wish? Does the cycle ever end? Who knows. I only know what I am seeing. I write it down for clarity, for sanity, for release. Give me strength. or better yet answers..

                                                                                                                       xoxo,

                                                                                                                        bee

subconsciously

People say that dreams are the portal to one's subconscious  and what one is really feeling. But it doesn't mean one will try to avoid them as much as possible. I don't know when I will able to confront them..I absolutely dread confrontation if there was trophy for avoidance I think I will have that in the bag. I do miss Giselle very much but, I couldn't bear to say the words that everyone says " I'll miss you, and don't worry we will keep in touch and talk everyday." Yeah like that would be the same. I'm not trying to be pessimistic I'm being realistic. Now that were technically it's getting harder to find time to be with one another, I didn't think it would come so soon. Luci leaves Monday to Holland and Elisa leaves to Davis in September and Giselle is gone too. I guess I'm not good with change and I need to man up or woman up I should say! Any who I find it difficult to say something to Giselle, why I don't know..maybe I'm scared she wont forgive me. I wouldn't blame her..its what I wanted to detach myself emotionally and along the way I detached myself emotionally from all feelings. Scary but true, I was numb until about a week ago when I started to shed a tear. I'm getting better with my emotions slowly getting them back, now its working on my mind and my body because I can trick myself to make sure everything is okay and I focus on something else. I guess I'm not completely whole, I'm very much unstable and have self esteem issues but I'm working on them. Don't worry I am. And to Giselle if you ever find this, I'm sorry.
                                                                                                  xoxo,
                                                                                                    Bee