Writer.

I would not call myself a writer, far from it. I like to write though. In my Spanish class today I was asked to write a self portrait of myself no not a biography, to write about something that claims my identity. I could either write about a moment in my life that changed me, a mix of two cultures, or two personalities. I have two personalities. One I let out through writing. She is more vocal, more out there, not afraid to write the truth or how it is. She will admit to herself that she is afraid, insecure, and maybe sometimes really doubtful. But she always pulls through. She gives the other one strength. Yet, the other one is quiet, soft spoken and when she wants to speak tears come out instead. She wants to speak she wants to let the writer one out in the open but, I won't let her. Why? Because I am a afraid. But she is not she is brave. Why won't I let her out? Because she serves a purpose in blogs to write the words and cannot say, to rationalize everything before I jump without looking. Yup, she's that kind of crazy. Dragging the world behind her with one hand, first jumping then looking. Not me, I have to stop her. But sometimes I want to let her free, to see the destruction she will have. She has a lot of heart, and voice. Mine in comparison stutters and looks down. she comes out sometimes with my friends, and sometimes I let her stay behind the curtain. What if I set her free? Let her roam for while? What is the trouble she will cause. So much I suppose. But yet, like Jose Luis Borges sometimes they get blurred and meshed into one not knowing which is which. Unlike Beyonce who pops up her alter ego Sasha Fierce.  So little one only when you are angry do you appear, in my writings you appear. I wonder if anyone reads this blog. Can you tell the difference between my personalities??
                                                                       xoxo,
                                                                        bEe

Neglection.

We all feel at one point or another we cannot deny that. But what I have noticed is that rejection it runs in circles. How you say? Simple I felt rejected by one of my friends here, I felt that because she had her close friend as a roommate I was now pushed aside into another dimension. It sucked balls. I was downgraded from hang out room to not even lunch buddies anymore. But I failed to realize that she herself is going through neglected period. As her friends moved on without her when they got their new place is was also a sense of being replaced, when one was chosen over the other after she made friends with her apartment and dance group, my friend like myself got pushed aside. But instead on leaning on me, she leaned on her roommate which is also her close friend because in a way she would never fully abandon her. So where does that leave me? I guess to find a new click right? I know what you are all thinking, well just hang out with her and her roommate she's your friend too. Well technically they both are. However, I feel like they have more in common together, bond in a different way that I do. Don't get me wrong I try to learn about the stuff their into and learn more about what they like, but it always ends up the same they leave me out... Now I know I should confront them and tell then how I feel but, I hate confrontations I really do. After I got sick,t hey started to see how much pressure I was in and how it was affecting my health. I guess they saw how lonely I was or maybe they felt bad. Either way a friendship is like a relationship you have to take care of it, you have to make sure both parties are putting in an equal amount of work. So while we get neglected by one we leaned on another and neglect the rest it becomes a vicious cycle of neglection. It takes time, it is not so easy to do. I know we need to work at it. Communication is key, so when to speak up and when to stay silent is important. For now, I am silent but there will come a time where I will speak up and say enough I'm important to. Because I am because were friends and because we care about each other.
                                                                   xoxo,
                                                                       bEe

Both of us.

"Someday, I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us." Sometimes we feel so alone in this big world, feeling left out  from the rest of the world. Missing those moments in life so precious in life, because we need to do work and school. It is sad. I wonder if you are lonely as I am, sometimes I feel that I am the only one feeling this way all alone so separated from you then i talk to you just for an hour and its like we might be separated from each other but connected in a deeper. Right now i wonder where you are and if you feel the same. pick up the phone and call, I say. But I am angry, but I am also to blame. This pride is too much. Maybe I don't want to break down. So I lean on someone else, someone who tells me he loves and cares for me, yet he tells me I am being to needy and that you need "space". I guess sometimes you are needy is that bad. Just feeling so low sometimes you need someone lean on you. Someday I'll come back home, come back to the place where I belong, where my family is. Where my baby is. To watch her grow to be part of her life more than ever. I hate to abandon you in your prime time. Watch make friends, tell mom and dad that your learning new things. I love watching you. How your smile brights up my day in any given second. How when I'm sad you come in and sing to me, the way your voice just comforts me its amazing that such a little princess came make me feel so good.You are my sunshine,the light at the end of the tunnel. To hear your voice when I am sad is all I need, to have you comfort me. You might not even know why, but you don't have to you just know and there for me. I write for you. To let you know I love you so much, that though I might not be there I will always be there in some form or another. Right now. NEEDY. That is what I feel. 
                             xoxo,
                              bEe

by the heartstrings..

Sometimes I have to take a step back and remember I don't know you that well. Sometimes you can be insensitive, other times a sweetheart. Then sometimes I can be jerk, treating you badly. I realized that all of those years of denial everyone was right about me. I am scared. I am terrified. Opening up those familiar feelings also brings back all the hurt and pain that came along with it. I guess coming into this all over again it begins once more. All those insecurities that were there before are still here. Because I am still fairly new at this it is still scary to think someone can say all those nice things and then take them back. Pretend like they never existed. To say they disappeared. Sad to say is when I get attached I get attached because I care about the person but either I pretend that I don't and push away or just pretend like it was nothing. Maybe I am scared of just being friends first, of slowing things down knowing if you knew everything you wouldn't like me anymore and it would be either to leave. And I don't want that. I'm afraid like all the rest you won't wait. But then again if you think I am not worth waiting for, you don't have to wait. It is easier said than done, once I've grown attached its hard to go backwards when all you wanna do is go forward. But my daddy has a point the faster you fall the bigger the hurt. I'm learning.<3.

                                                                            xoxo,

                                                                               bEe

The Semester ends.

As I leave behind my first semester at Berkeley, I can truly say that I am blessed. I was fortunate enough to have an amazing roommate and floor-mates who welcomed me with open arms. They were all so kind and genuine to me I cannot fathom to imagine other floor-mates like themselves. Though in the beginning I was homesick, and sad to leave my family I knew it would only get more difficult to carry on, but I continued I survived. It was difficult, but it was pretty easy going, I know next semester I am going to have to work my hardest and do my work correctly to get good grades life is a roller coaster ride and I am only along for the ride. You brought me friendships and much more than. Berkeley brought me someone different, something I never expected, he's different for sure but he wants to make me happy, were opposites we know but what else can I say were testing the waters. I miss my family soo much. I loved seeing them pull up on the driveway it was amazing. Especially my baby, I love her so much. I can only hope for the best.College brought me new experiences to look at, new ways to look at life and realized you cannot trust everybody and sometimes it can also bring you tragedy. It was a whirlwind, it was something I can never take back. I am barely beginning, my journey has just begun.

                                                                                  xoxo,

                                                                                  bEe
                                                                             

Career.

I guess I've always known what I wanted to be. By age six, is when I decided that I wanted to be a teacher because it seemed like the most amazing thing to be to do. As I grew older I doubted but, there were people, mentors, teachers who each had their own style that made me think this is what I wanted. They were crazy, they were strict, they were everywhere but I took something from each of them. According to my friend, I'm a feeler, not a thinker I let my emotions lead the way. As I listen to these teachers from my scholarship ceremonies who have never lost their passion for what they do, it inspires me. Sometimes I wonder, can I loose that passion of being a teacher that so many loose along the way. As I watch Mr. Worth get excited because I understand problem, or Ms. Jimenez when she teaches and gets the class join in. Or even Ms. Fujita who scares me in front of the class however, pushes you to your limit to demand  more of you because she knows you can do it. She won't baby you, she wants you to go as far you can. My inspirations. I don't want to loose my passion for the only thing that felt RIGHT in my life. Something that I actually feel that I will get it right. A thinker might say to me, you can't touch everyone its impossible. To that I might say that I know I can't but I'll be damned if I did not try my hardest to help that person. At least then I can be able to say, I didn't stand by and do nothing, I tried and that's the best I could ask for myself. Sure I might cry..I might get angry..but there's something inside me that believes that this is what I am suppose to be doing..I can't explain it..does that make it wrong.

                                                                       xoxo,

                                                                       bEe

New beginnings.

 So here I am all alone now. This transition was more difficult that I could have imagined. I miss my family, like no other. Everyone here is of course sweet. But it's not my home. It's not my comfort zone. People tell me it would take time..I guess some are easier than others. And just when you think you have it all you are taken aback a few steps, when my sis did not want to talk to me because she thought I abandoned her. It crushed me, more than that it broke me. Sure she doesn't understand but it doesn't matter it still hurts for someone to think that you abandoned them. I love her to death. So here I go into this world and I hope I don't fall. Quoting B.O.B. "It was dream, just a moment, I was up so high, looking at the sky, don't let me fall." It seemed so far away now I'm here chasing after this ludicrous dream. To prove I belong here. But I do. I was made for this. What does not kill me makes me stronger. And even though it's hard and I might want to give, I know  I have people looking out for me. Keep me grounded.

Mantra for this week: Kelly Clarkson's Stronger

                                                                                                           xoxo,
                                                                                                            bumble bee

New beginnings.

I guess it's an understatement to say I am nervous. To say that I am scared. To say I really feel like I might pee my pants. I might pee and shit at the same time. Yeah it's that bad. I am just nervous to be thrust into a world I have no control over. I am scared to see what will happen. To be left alone. I'm not really good at communication skills, but I guess its like my coworker said to me, "you have to get out of your bubble". And out I go. I guess writing does help reveal all this stress. I'm just worried, so many payments, so little time. I just don't know who to turn or where to turn to. Ahhh. I just need to ask for help. Help. Help. Help. I guess that did not work. Lol. Now to step two. Calling the school for help. Here I go wish me luck.

                                                                      xoxo,

                                                                     bee