Love is giving someone the power to crush you, but you trusting them not to do so. Yet, the person you love will hurt you, and if its someone you care about it will happen more than one time. It hurts the inner most parts of your being, when someone tells you they do not love you anymore. Or they chose you for convenience not for love. Take a step and look at yourself in the mirror. I see myself privileged and loved. I surround myself with people that I adore my support system. Because I am afraid to be alone, because my family has always stood by me. Unlike others, but that is not my fault. Do not blame for that. I am lucky, but you can't criticize me for the way I was raised and you were not. We all go through pain. I chose to turn to God. You deny your past and until you decided to face it for what it really was then you and I will never be happy. You will always be  jealous of the love and support I have and you lack. I want to incorporate you into my world but become more spiteful of what communities I built. Jealous. That is what you are. I know see it. I can hear it. Your jealous that my parents call to check up, that they want me home and now what is going in my life, how they play such a huge role in the person I am and how I love. How I can pick up a phone and call whomever I choose. I am privileged I know that but I always want u in my world. But you won't accept it because u see me spoiled. I am spoiled but fuck you because I worked my fucken ass off to be where I am today and not you or anyone is going to make me feel bad for that. No even you.

Quotes

"I know you don't believe in God. You don't believe in the power of prayer, and that's okay -- to each his own. But you've gotta believe in something. Something more than you can touch, taste, or see. 'Cause life is too hard to go through it alone, without something to hold onto. And without something that's sacred."- Glee(Mercedes)

The hardest thing to do.(cause I don't want to lose you now)

What would be the hardest thing to do. Having to say goodbye when you are not ready. When you know it was not the time to say goodbye, but it occurred anyways. So maybe I should say goodbye. Take a deep breath, and think what do I want. It will be hard. But maybe I need some time to figure it out, it does not mean that it is the end but a time to reflect. But what can I do..I don't know how to communicate with you anymore. I don't want to lose you. NEVER. But it feels like you can't talk to me. I know we are not the perfect couple. We don't text each other 24/7 like other couples or are lovey dovey in public but we make it work. We love each other, we look out for each other. You make me laugh you make me a better person. You make me independent yet you are only a phone call away when I need you. However, it is difficult to be in a relationship. I love you never forget that. But there comes a time  where I feel lost and insecure. This isn't my first time done this road..I kind of know how it works. But I need to take pride in myself and know that I made so far without anyone by my side that my family loves and supports me and if one day you decide you do not need me in your life yes it will hurt yes I will cry but like past break-ups in my life I will pick myself from my knees but i get back on my feet and cannot loose my faith. So for all of you going through an emotional time in your life think and reflect ho strong you are and how far you have made it. 
                                                               xoxo,
                                                               bUmBlE bEe

It's just that simple.

Sometimes you tell lies to the people you love to save them from being hurt.It's just that simple. Or not..

Just write. Keep Writing. Let it go. breath. Look around you. Observe. Be happy. Identity who you are. Where were your goals. What happened to them? Are they still there? Take a reality check. Who is there for you? Who is not? Keep your mind open. Breath. Relax. Hope. Dream. Faith. You are going to be okay.

Writer.

I would not call myself a writer, far from it. I like to write though. In my Spanish class today I was asked to write a self portrait of myself no not a biography, to write about something that claims my identity. I could either write about a moment in my life that changed me, a mix of two cultures, or two personalities. I have two personalities. One I let out through writing. She is more vocal, more out there, not afraid to write the truth or how it is. She will admit to herself that she is afraid, insecure, and maybe sometimes really doubtful. But she always pulls through. She gives the other one strength. Yet, the other one is quiet, soft spoken and when she wants to speak tears come out instead. She wants to speak she wants to let the writer one out in the open but, I won't let her. Why? Because I am a afraid. But she is not she is brave. Why won't I let her out? Because she serves a purpose in blogs to write the words and cannot say, to rationalize everything before I jump without looking. Yup, she's that kind of crazy. Dragging the world behind her with one hand, first jumping then looking. Not me, I have to stop her. But sometimes I want to let her free, to see the destruction she will have. She has a lot of heart, and voice. Mine in comparison stutters and looks down. she comes out sometimes with my friends, and sometimes I let her stay behind the curtain. What if I set her free? Let her roam for while? What is the trouble she will cause. So much I suppose. But yet, like Jose Luis Borges sometimes they get blurred and meshed into one not knowing which is which. Unlike Beyonce who pops up her alter ego Sasha Fierce.  So little one only when you are angry do you appear, in my writings you appear. I wonder if anyone reads this blog. Can you tell the difference between my personalities??
                                                                       xoxo,
                                                                        bEe

Neglection.

We all feel at one point or another we cannot deny that. But what I have noticed is that rejection it runs in circles. How you say? Simple I felt rejected by one of my friends here, I felt that because she had her close friend as a roommate I was now pushed aside into another dimension. It sucked balls. I was downgraded from hang out room to not even lunch buddies anymore. But I failed to realize that she herself is going through neglected period. As her friends moved on without her when they got their new place is was also a sense of being replaced, when one was chosen over the other after she made friends with her apartment and dance group, my friend like myself got pushed aside. But instead on leaning on me, she leaned on her roommate which is also her close friend because in a way she would never fully abandon her. So where does that leave me? I guess to find a new click right? I know what you are all thinking, well just hang out with her and her roommate she's your friend too. Well technically they both are. However, I feel like they have more in common together, bond in a different way that I do. Don't get me wrong I try to learn about the stuff their into and learn more about what they like, but it always ends up the same they leave me out... Now I know I should confront them and tell then how I feel but, I hate confrontations I really do. After I got sick,t hey started to see how much pressure I was in and how it was affecting my health. I guess they saw how lonely I was or maybe they felt bad. Either way a friendship is like a relationship you have to take care of it, you have to make sure both parties are putting in an equal amount of work. So while we get neglected by one we leaned on another and neglect the rest it becomes a vicious cycle of neglection. It takes time, it is not so easy to do. I know we need to work at it. Communication is key, so when to speak up and when to stay silent is important. For now, I am silent but there will come a time where I will speak up and say enough I'm important to. Because I am because were friends and because we care about each other.
                                                                   xoxo,
                                                                       bEe