"proud of you"

10 words. so easy to say. but then why has it taken you so long to say it. Sure your actions might say it. But what about the they way you do your actions. I am not a mind reader. I cannot tell when you're proud of me. Because your afraid of letting me go..you don't say. You say in a different way..but I don't speak that language. So we can't communicate. Until you scream in my face I would have never guessed. But I don't want it like that. I want unforced..full love..full of joy. So how is it when sitting in the doctor's office that a complete stranger might look at me with the most sincere smile and say.."I'm proud of you". With a teared filled smile, I say "thank you" I hold back to break down and tell this complete stranger that I have never heard those words that way..so full of joy and heart. so sweetly cherished. I know I am too emotional. But to this stranger that did not seem to bother her,,maybe its her job..but she did not have to defend me..yet she did. So why can't you see that it's okay for me to be me. To cry when I want to cry. Cannot you see, that you are pushing me. You are the reason that I feel the need to cry. I am affectionate. I love full force, and passionately. That is me. That is who I am. I am sorry I would never be someone strong enough for you. I like myself. Yeah I wish I was stronger. But somewhere out there, I truly believe that I can make it. I might fall, and cry A LOT. But at the end I'm going to make it. No matter what you think of me. I know you love me..but just accept me. for me.

                                                                                     xoxo,

                                                                                       bEe

I really don't know sometimes. Sometimes a put up a front, but inside I'm weak and crumbling. But I choose not to show it. Around me people believe that showing parts of one's emotion like crying is a sign of weakness. I guessed I failed in that aspect.Being a weakling and defenseless is another sign of my weakness. So what is my strong point? I have a short fuse, anger issues that stretch if you push me. So where is my base, my strong point. I might not even have one. People even say that loving someone too much can also be your downfall. If that's so keep piling on the list. I wish I knew the answers sometimes. to know that I am going to be okay..that I can trust my family. That they know I do love them..but I  have to do this for me. To them it is like I am abandoning them..I took it as not wanting me to leave but in reality it was fear..I pushed because i thought they did not care. Whether they said they do it did not come off that way. You don't know how much I cried..how much I suffered because you thought I hated my family because you thought I was abandoning you and who I was. I lost myself a long time ago, but I came back to the person I wanted to be, and I am working on that. But you can't see that can't you? You only see what you want to see, what you choose yo see? So what if I rely on other family members is that not what they are for? They understand me..you see it as back talk as if I am insulting you..unlike you I need to express who I am..and if that is in a form of crying then so be it ..I am weak. I love you. But I hope you come to understand all I wanted was to to pay you back. To make sure at the end nothing hurts you, no payments no stress. I wanted to be the one, to take it all away. But you don't see that...and you might never will.
                                                                                                 xoxo,
                                                                        bEe

saying goodbye might be the hardest thing to do.

 I guess I knew things would be different this time. You are growing. You are experiencing love for the first time. I can't hold you back, but let you flourish. Let you take the path you choose. You seem a little restrained. You were afraid to. That things have changed. And they have. I'm still here, so are you. Time spent with you was too short. Sharing with the ones you love, of course I come second I understand they miss you and need you. I guess it is going to be different now. Some challenges here, some obstacles there. All I can do is be there to support you. But I cannot be afraid to speak and tell you that I am breaking too. That I am hurting too. Scared to loose you forever, scared of change. Scared it won't be the same with us anymore. People say, not to worry that you have been together so long that you can overcome anything. Then on the other side I have people feeding me poison,, doubts, infecting me asking em so she didn't call? she did not spend time with you? she did not come by? It sticks with me it bugs me... I shrug it off, but it does. Now that you found someone I fear what all best friends fear that I will be pushed aside. I won't be the one you count on anymore. Or worse that me and him won't get along..what then?what would I do? I can't fret about it but I do at times I honestly do.

                                                                                                xoxo,

                                                                                                bEe

I swear.

Seriously. Sometimes I swear little sisters can be more than one bargains for. It's not that I don't love my little sister, I do. But just sometimes, okay maybe more than just sometimes I feel so irritated by her. She's just so jumpy and energetic and urghh sometimes all I want is peace and quiet. Makes me wonder if I would ever have children since I cannot even handle my own little bugger of a sister. And then mom comes rushing in to her defense like I beat her with a cane. Really? You think I am that much of a bitch. Chillax. I just like my privacy I don't like you snooping around my stuff, I am not doing ANYTHING wrong its just nice for once to receive my own privacy for once in awhile with one opening the door when your doing something and leaving it open, to look over your shoulder on the computer screen when your typing, or to hear phone conversations when your on the phone. If I need to talk I'll tell you but geeze woman for once I would like some independence. I like my space, my bubble. I am not shutting you out don't think like that but I would like a place of my own a sanctuary you would say a place for me that no one knows about but is just for me. Is that so much for me. I am not hiding I like to be alone to think to reflect and express my thoughts but I can't do that when one is constantly looking over my shoulder literally. I swear sometimes living in such close commodities can be curse than a blessing. Sure were super close but, with that comes no independent space no even a little. Push me down a hole and may I'll find my myself spiraling  into an Alice and Wonderland world..then again you still have to deal with creatures invading your space. =p

                                                                   xoxo,

                                                                   bee

rant.

Oh dear.Oh the cleverness of you. So dramatic.But aren't we all just a little over the top. Should not we all have are drama queen moment once in awhile? rant about life is tangent where we just need to let it all out? Go up to that jerk and tell him off how he broke your heart and do what many of us girls cannot do and only express it to our pillows or friends. If I could I would tell you that I honestly loved you, I fell hard and landed on that hard concrete mess of a pavement. Shattered and crushed I had to be literally picked up the floor. "I hate you." Are the words that I wanted to tell you, I wanted to make you jealous. But I missed you to much. You were my best friend. And then when I finally had you out of my thoughts out of my memory, loosening the grip you had over me, you knock me down back on my knees and had me break down to a Taylor Swift song while I did the most incredible rant about how Taylor Swift never really loved Taylor Lautner, when I was really ranting about you. Oh the power of a love song. Rant if I will I'll admit I'm dying to be knocked out of my socks by a guy that just throws me for a whirlwind. Prince Charmings please apply.=]
                                                                                                  xoxo,
                                                                                                    bee

understand me?good. At least were on the same page.

Stop.Give me a sec. kay? Overall I hear states of disillusionment around me, surprised? I guess not. The adult world comes with freedom, liberty, and the ever constant  pressures of responsibilities that was not your worry when you were a kid. However, when one takes the leap into the adult world sometimes we bite more than we could chew. How is this you say? You are dealing with family, your bills, your family's family, eviction and trying to keep it together. The pressures for a man to take responsibility to run the household is what society has created for generations in history, I would feel the pressure if its what society has out on me as well. To contrast though, I cannot feel obliged to be able to help as well, though mommy tells the little ones its not your concern how can you help it? how can you watch your family deal with some many pressures of just BARELY getting by and you there being able to do nothing? Is it fair you say? Of course not. But when is life ever fair. Contemplations. Mother's job to keep her family together, she's the fighter who will dig her nails in the ground to make sure her child is missing NOTHING, even if she herself will starve her ambitions be grinned to the ground to her its an act of love and nothing more. As I step into this adult shoes feeling them much to big, as i walk they slip off and I struggle to keep them on. So what if I do something I love, but doesn't support me, what if I do something I hate but it supports my family, what if I have to beg, steal and cheat to keep your family well and together? Is it wrong? most likely. But were they doing to survive? with out a doubt. Is there a right answer? you tell me. Will you yourself sacrifice your happiness like your parents did for you? Will you redden them as you wish? Does the cycle ever end? Who knows. I only know what I am seeing. I write it down for clarity, for sanity, for release. Give me strength. or better yet answers..

                                                                                                                       xoxo,

                                                                                                                        bee

subconsciously

People say that dreams are the portal to one's subconscious  and what one is really feeling. But it doesn't mean one will try to avoid them as much as possible. I don't know when I will able to confront them..I absolutely dread confrontation if there was trophy for avoidance I think I will have that in the bag. I do miss Giselle very much but, I couldn't bear to say the words that everyone says " I'll miss you, and don't worry we will keep in touch and talk everyday." Yeah like that would be the same. I'm not trying to be pessimistic I'm being realistic. Now that were technically it's getting harder to find time to be with one another, I didn't think it would come so soon. Luci leaves Monday to Holland and Elisa leaves to Davis in September and Giselle is gone too. I guess I'm not good with change and I need to man up or woman up I should say! Any who I find it difficult to say something to Giselle, why I don't know..maybe I'm scared she wont forgive me. I wouldn't blame her..its what I wanted to detach myself emotionally and along the way I detached myself emotionally from all feelings. Scary but true, I was numb until about a week ago when I started to shed a tear. I'm getting better with my emotions slowly getting them back, now its working on my mind and my body because I can trick myself to make sure everything is okay and I focus on something else. I guess I'm not completely whole, I'm very much unstable and have self esteem issues but I'm working on them. Don't worry I am. And to Giselle if you ever find this, I'm sorry.
                                                                                                  xoxo,
                                                                                                    Bee