"proud of you"

10 words. so easy to say. but then why has it taken you so long to say it. Sure your actions might say it. But what about the they way you do your actions. I am not a mind reader. I cannot tell when you're proud of me. Because your afraid of letting me go..you don't say. You say in a different way..but I don't speak that language. So we can't communicate. Until you scream in my face I would have never guessed. But I don't want it like that. I want unforced..full love..full of joy. So how is it when sitting in the doctor's office that a complete stranger might look at me with the most sincere smile and say.."I'm proud of you". With a teared filled smile, I say "thank you" I hold back to break down and tell this complete stranger that I have never heard those words that way..so full of joy and heart. so sweetly cherished. I know I am too emotional. But to this stranger that did not seem to bother her,,maybe its her job..but she did not have to defend me..yet she did. So why can't you see that it's okay for me to be me. To cry when I want to cry. Cannot you see, that you are pushing me. You are the reason that I feel the need to cry. I am affectionate. I love full force, and passionately. That is me. That is who I am. I am sorry I would never be someone strong enough for you. I like myself. Yeah I wish I was stronger. But somewhere out there, I truly believe that I can make it. I might fall, and cry A LOT. But at the end I'm going to make it. No matter what you think of me. I know you love me..but just accept me. for me.

                                                                                     xoxo,

                                                                                       bEe

I really don't know sometimes. Sometimes a put up a front, but inside I'm weak and crumbling. But I choose not to show it. Around me people believe that showing parts of one's emotion like crying is a sign of weakness. I guessed I failed in that aspect.Being a weakling and defenseless is another sign of my weakness. So what is my strong point? I have a short fuse, anger issues that stretch if you push me. So where is my base, my strong point. I might not even have one. People even say that loving someone too much can also be your downfall. If that's so keep piling on the list. I wish I knew the answers sometimes. to know that I am going to be okay..that I can trust my family. That they know I do love them..but I  have to do this for me. To them it is like I am abandoning them..I took it as not wanting me to leave but in reality it was fear..I pushed because i thought they did not care. Whether they said they do it did not come off that way. You don't know how much I cried..how much I suffered because you thought I hated my family because you thought I was abandoning you and who I was. I lost myself a long time ago, but I came back to the person I wanted to be, and I am working on that. But you can't see that can't you? You only see what you want to see, what you choose yo see? So what if I rely on other family members is that not what they are for? They understand me..you see it as back talk as if I am insulting you..unlike you I need to express who I am..and if that is in a form of crying then so be it ..I am weak. I love you. But I hope you come to understand all I wanted was to to pay you back. To make sure at the end nothing hurts you, no payments no stress. I wanted to be the one, to take it all away. But you don't see that...and you might never will.
                                                                                                 xoxo,
                                                                        bEe

saying goodbye might be the hardest thing to do.

 I guess I knew things would be different this time. You are growing. You are experiencing love for the first time. I can't hold you back, but let you flourish. Let you take the path you choose. You seem a little restrained. You were afraid to. That things have changed. And they have. I'm still here, so are you. Time spent with you was too short. Sharing with the ones you love, of course I come second I understand they miss you and need you. I guess it is going to be different now. Some challenges here, some obstacles there. All I can do is be there to support you. But I cannot be afraid to speak and tell you that I am breaking too. That I am hurting too. Scared to loose you forever, scared of change. Scared it won't be the same with us anymore. People say, not to worry that you have been together so long that you can overcome anything. Then on the other side I have people feeding me poison,, doubts, infecting me asking em so she didn't call? she did not spend time with you? she did not come by? It sticks with me it bugs me... I shrug it off, but it does. Now that you found someone I fear what all best friends fear that I will be pushed aside. I won't be the one you count on anymore. Or worse that me and him won't get along..what then?what would I do? I can't fret about it but I do at times I honestly do.

                                                                                                xoxo,

                                                                                                bEe

I swear.

Seriously. Sometimes I swear little sisters can be more than one bargains for. It's not that I don't love my little sister, I do. But just sometimes, okay maybe more than just sometimes I feel so irritated by her. She's just so jumpy and energetic and urghh sometimes all I want is peace and quiet. Makes me wonder if I would ever have children since I cannot even handle my own little bugger of a sister. And then mom comes rushing in to her defense like I beat her with a cane. Really? You think I am that much of a bitch. Chillax. I just like my privacy I don't like you snooping around my stuff, I am not doing ANYTHING wrong its just nice for once to receive my own privacy for once in awhile with one opening the door when your doing something and leaving it open, to look over your shoulder on the computer screen when your typing, or to hear phone conversations when your on the phone. If I need to talk I'll tell you but geeze woman for once I would like some independence. I like my space, my bubble. I am not shutting you out don't think like that but I would like a place of my own a sanctuary you would say a place for me that no one knows about but is just for me. Is that so much for me. I am not hiding I like to be alone to think to reflect and express my thoughts but I can't do that when one is constantly looking over my shoulder literally. I swear sometimes living in such close commodities can be curse than a blessing. Sure were super close but, with that comes no independent space no even a little. Push me down a hole and may I'll find my myself spiraling  into an Alice and Wonderland world..then again you still have to deal with creatures invading your space. =p

                                                                   xoxo,

                                                                   bee

rant.

Oh dear.Oh the cleverness of you. So dramatic.But aren't we all just a little over the top. Should not we all have are drama queen moment once in awhile? rant about life is tangent where we just need to let it all out? Go up to that jerk and tell him off how he broke your heart and do what many of us girls cannot do and only express it to our pillows or friends. If I could I would tell you that I honestly loved you, I fell hard and landed on that hard concrete mess of a pavement. Shattered and crushed I had to be literally picked up the floor. "I hate you." Are the words that I wanted to tell you, I wanted to make you jealous. But I missed you to much. You were my best friend. And then when I finally had you out of my thoughts out of my memory, loosening the grip you had over me, you knock me down back on my knees and had me break down to a Taylor Swift song while I did the most incredible rant about how Taylor Swift never really loved Taylor Lautner, when I was really ranting about you. Oh the power of a love song. Rant if I will I'll admit I'm dying to be knocked out of my socks by a guy that just throws me for a whirlwind. Prince Charmings please apply.=]
                                                                                                  xoxo,
                                                                                                    bee

understand me?good. At least were on the same page.

Stop.Give me a sec. kay? Overall I hear states of disillusionment around me, surprised? I guess not. The adult world comes with freedom, liberty, and the ever constant  pressures of responsibilities that was not your worry when you were a kid. However, when one takes the leap into the adult world sometimes we bite more than we could chew. How is this you say? You are dealing with family, your bills, your family's family, eviction and trying to keep it together. The pressures for a man to take responsibility to run the household is what society has created for generations in history, I would feel the pressure if its what society has out on me as well. To contrast though, I cannot feel obliged to be able to help as well, though mommy tells the little ones its not your concern how can you help it? how can you watch your family deal with some many pressures of just BARELY getting by and you there being able to do nothing? Is it fair you say? Of course not. But when is life ever fair. Contemplations. Mother's job to keep her family together, she's the fighter who will dig her nails in the ground to make sure her child is missing NOTHING, even if she herself will starve her ambitions be grinned to the ground to her its an act of love and nothing more. As I step into this adult shoes feeling them much to big, as i walk they slip off and I struggle to keep them on. So what if I do something I love, but doesn't support me, what if I do something I hate but it supports my family, what if I have to beg, steal and cheat to keep your family well and together? Is it wrong? most likely. But were they doing to survive? with out a doubt. Is there a right answer? you tell me. Will you yourself sacrifice your happiness like your parents did for you? Will you redden them as you wish? Does the cycle ever end? Who knows. I only know what I am seeing. I write it down for clarity, for sanity, for release. Give me strength. or better yet answers..

                                                                                                                       xoxo,

                                                                                                                        bee

subconsciously

People say that dreams are the portal to one's subconscious  and what one is really feeling. But it doesn't mean one will try to avoid them as much as possible. I don't know when I will able to confront them..I absolutely dread confrontation if there was trophy for avoidance I think I will have that in the bag. I do miss Giselle very much but, I couldn't bear to say the words that everyone says " I'll miss you, and don't worry we will keep in touch and talk everyday." Yeah like that would be the same. I'm not trying to be pessimistic I'm being realistic. Now that were technically it's getting harder to find time to be with one another, I didn't think it would come so soon. Luci leaves Monday to Holland and Elisa leaves to Davis in September and Giselle is gone too. I guess I'm not good with change and I need to man up or woman up I should say! Any who I find it difficult to say something to Giselle, why I don't know..maybe I'm scared she wont forgive me. I wouldn't blame her..its what I wanted to detach myself emotionally and along the way I detached myself emotionally from all feelings. Scary but true, I was numb until about a week ago when I started to shed a tear. I'm getting better with my emotions slowly getting them back, now its working on my mind and my body because I can trick myself to make sure everything is okay and I focus on something else. I guess I'm not completely whole, I'm very much unstable and have self esteem issues but I'm working on them. Don't worry I am. And to Giselle if you ever find this, I'm sorry.
                                                                                                  xoxo,
                                                                                                    Bee

Help.

I'm sick of doing nothing. People tell me time and time again that this is happening that the world is changing. I answer I know, they look to me as if that's all I'm going to say. But I don't have the answers...what am I supposed to do?? Watching the series finally of Greek, made me realize as I watch how a fraternity fought to keep their house alive from a wealthy business owner who did not care of how much heart these brothers had for one another and their house. As I look at my house I wonder will I be standing where those KTT's were, watching their house be destroyed as a heartless oil owner tears down my house to build his commercial buildings and fancy neighborhoods. I cried because even though one of the brothers reached out to him he neglected it like he was nothing, just like the real world. People don't care. I'm sick of it. The fact that I'm going to watch these men tear it all down my HOME, the only place I have known where people built their community. Everyday I see it come apart so it will be torn apart to fix. Yet I stand here doing nothing. I hear what they say and they tell m, but what am I supposed to answer?! Will I stand in front of everyone as I watch my home come apart... yet I'm angered because I can't stand it. This is my home and because some wealthy business owners think I'm insignificant how can I change that. I'm venting yes..but I'm frustrated..I'm angered..I'm sad...but I'm torn. I fell like I'm abandoning it all...because I feel selfish...yet what can I do? P Lease tell me what can I do??

                                      xoxo,

                                      bee

Digression

Everyone has one, whether they choose to keep it a secret or not, everyone has to fear something. Franklin D. Roosevelt once said "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself". Yet as people we are imperfect we fear many things, that hold us back at times. We feel judge criticized by everyone around us, and dare not to show are true persona. I fear being judge, I don't have a high self esteem though I am slowly working on it I don't nearly have the confidence I wish I had, or the strength of people around me is what keeps me going. Yet, alone I need to find myself try it on my own to see if I can make. Who knows where this path will lead me to? All I know is when the time approaches I will know.So i keep coming back to this, now with something completely new. Ahhh I hate when I do this. But my mind is like this jumbled mess of spaghetti like my teacher has told me various time, there's just soo much going up in there...urggh too much to deal with. Thank goodness for music, I find myself listening to new tastes of music. I'm usually your Taylor Swift kinda girl now I'm listening to some other type of music that I never listen too. I guess you can connect to all different kinds of music. Woe is me..Focus..Focus..Focus. Don't give up. Breath. Laugh. Live.

                   xoxo,

                   bee

Random.

I love the feeling of knowing that I helped someone accomplish something they never thought was possible. It is the most amazing feeling that I have ever felt. In my freshmen year of high school, we have to do a physical education test where one of the criteria is to run the mile under a certain time. I was able to do my mile under 8 minutes, but there was this guy who could not do it. Yeah he slacked off, but I he really wanted to pass his mile test. He asked me for help to go running with him and I agreed, I pushed him hard to his limit never makinf him stop even to walk. My p.e. teacher is like your pushing him to hard, but I wanted him to pass once he was finished he made it at exactly 8:59, he shaved off about two minutes!!! Hr was soo ecstatic that he hugged me with a big smile and a "thank you". The feeling was undescrible, I know that I could never put into words how much it meant for me to help him pass his test.Because of me. I knew in that moment that being a teacher was the right choice for me, and that I didn't want to do anything else. Maybe its just me, but I know what I was meant to do with my lide, sure maybe I won't make a lot of money but at least I will be happy. Only life can tell what's gonna happen in the five to ten years all I can hope for is the best. Who knows what life might bring to me in the future all I know is as long is I have my family to support me and something to look forward to I'll be alright.
 xoxo,
bee

overwhelming.

It's overwhelming all of it sometimes, feeling that you might fail at something and the person that you must disappoint is actually yourself. School is overwhelming sometimes going back and forth and feeling always tired it sucks sometimes but, we have to keep going looking at the positives in life instead of the negative. I guess this blogs helps, I like to read along the way to relive stress but since finals are coming it it gets more stressful each day trying to make the grade because you don't understand the material and the teacher is not good at explaining it. I feel sorry for him, it seems that this is not what he wants to be doing... almost as he has given up in life which makes me sad because it makes me think  what made him get to this point. Sometimes I want to help him, but how do you help someone that does care anymore and makes so hard to reach out to them if they are not putting any effort into doing their job. Yet, I always believe their is good in people even int he tiniest bit there is something there, or maybe I'm just naive, probably. I've been through my set of challenges that you can't trust people it just makes me feel sad that some people are alone and that so many things happen they just don't care anymore. what do they believe in or look froward too? who do they look upon? I guess it just makes me sad...I wonder if they hope to be happy someday too. 

                                                                                  xoxo,

                                                                                    bee

new year 2011

So I am writing this blog at almost 2:30 am, and I am not the least bit tired..wait till the morning. So as this year came to an end, I realize that I have grown so much and taken a few steps back along the way to. I learned that sometimes you can't get along with your parents, pushing people away will get you nowhere, and that I'm not a little kid anymore and don't have the privilege to runaway from things but I have to learn how to confront them straight on..which I am so awful at! While celebrating this new years I got a surprise visit from some old neighbors that I used to know my whole life, I remember running around with one of the kids we used to get along so well always hyper...he's so big now I cant believe that he's not a little kid anymore well neither am I..but still I guess it's kinda hard to know that our childhood ended a long time ago but proud to know that he is doing good in school just like me.=] So a new year brings new challenges, some goodbyes, some tough decisions that will be hard to make but as long as i have my family to support me and my bestie there to knock some since in me now and then I have to believe that things will be okay because if it's not then it's not the end just the beginning.
                                                                                                                             
                                                                                                                                xoxo,
                                                                                      Bee