I can't fight any longer

Today I read a letter. After reading a shorty called "Walter no ha muerto". It touched me, because it reminded me of me...It was hard reading it even though the author tried imitating the voice and style of Virginia Woolf. It felt all to real. Our professor asked us to read a her note that she left behind to her husband. I read it and it took all my might not to cry in class. For I fear that one day I might find this note..that I might be a the other end reading for real. And I cried..it read like this:


 Tuesday. Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been.
 V.

My heart weeps because I am tired because I love you too much to let you go, but what if I am holding on to an idea that is no longer real that is no longer you. I can't picture my life without you because you have done so much for me, but for myself it kills me to know I won't be able to help you. Maybe I should just let go of the idea of us, so I can be free for myself and find peace in being single once again. Rejoice. Be happy. Because you deserve it. And if you cannot see that. How can I? I end with the words of Virginia Woolf"s:
 I don't think tow people could have been happier than we have been. and there has not...
xoxo,
 the real me

Love is giving someone the power to crush you, but you trusting them not to do so. Yet, the person you love will hurt you, and if its someone you care about it will happen more than one time. It hurts the inner most parts of your being, when someone tells you they do not love you anymore. Or they chose you for convenience not for love. Take a step and look at yourself in the mirror. I see myself privileged and loved. I surround myself with people that I adore my support system. Because I am afraid to be alone, because my family has always stood by me. Unlike others, but that is not my fault. Do not blame for that. I am lucky, but you can't criticize me for the way I was raised and you were not. We all go through pain. I chose to turn to God. You deny your past and until you decided to face it for what it really was then you and I will never be happy. You will always be  jealous of the love and support I have and you lack. I want to incorporate you into my world but become more spiteful of what communities I built. Jealous. That is what you are. I know see it. I can hear it. Your jealous that my parents call to check up, that they want me home and now what is going in my life, how they play such a huge role in the person I am and how I love. How I can pick up a phone and call whomever I choose. I am privileged I know that but I always want u in my world. But you won't accept it because u see me spoiled. I am spoiled but fuck you because I worked my fucken ass off to be where I am today and not you or anyone is going to make me feel bad for that. No even you.

Quotes

"I know you don't believe in God. You don't believe in the power of prayer, and that's okay -- to each his own. But you've gotta believe in something. Something more than you can touch, taste, or see. 'Cause life is too hard to go through it alone, without something to hold onto. And without something that's sacred."- Glee(Mercedes)

The hardest thing to do.(cause I don't want to lose you now)

What would be the hardest thing to do. Having to say goodbye when you are not ready. When you know it was not the time to say goodbye, but it occurred anyways. So maybe I should say goodbye. Take a deep breath, and think what do I want. It will be hard. But maybe I need some time to figure it out, it does not mean that it is the end but a time to reflect. But what can I do..I don't know how to communicate with you anymore. I don't want to lose you. NEVER. But it feels like you can't talk to me. I know we are not the perfect couple. We don't text each other 24/7 like other couples or are lovey dovey in public but we make it work. We love each other, we look out for each other. You make me laugh you make me a better person. You make me independent yet you are only a phone call away when I need you. However, it is difficult to be in a relationship. I love you never forget that. But there comes a time  where I feel lost and insecure. This isn't my first time done this road..I kind of know how it works. But I need to take pride in myself and know that I made so far without anyone by my side that my family loves and supports me and if one day you decide you do not need me in your life yes it will hurt yes I will cry but like past break-ups in my life I will pick myself from my knees but i get back on my feet and cannot loose my faith. So for all of you going through an emotional time in your life think and reflect ho strong you are and how far you have made it. 
                                                               xoxo,
                                                               bUmBlE bEe

It's just that simple.

Sometimes you tell lies to the people you love to save them from being hurt.It's just that simple. Or not..

Just write. Keep Writing. Let it go. breath. Look around you. Observe. Be happy. Identity who you are. Where were your goals. What happened to them? Are they still there? Take a reality check. Who is there for you? Who is not? Keep your mind open. Breath. Relax. Hope. Dream. Faith. You are going to be okay.

Writer.

I would not call myself a writer, far from it. I like to write though. In my Spanish class today I was asked to write a self portrait of myself no not a biography, to write about something that claims my identity. I could either write about a moment in my life that changed me, a mix of two cultures, or two personalities. I have two personalities. One I let out through writing. She is more vocal, more out there, not afraid to write the truth or how it is. She will admit to herself that she is afraid, insecure, and maybe sometimes really doubtful. But she always pulls through. She gives the other one strength. Yet, the other one is quiet, soft spoken and when she wants to speak tears come out instead. She wants to speak she wants to let the writer one out in the open but, I won't let her. Why? Because I am a afraid. But she is not she is brave. Why won't I let her out? Because she serves a purpose in blogs to write the words and cannot say, to rationalize everything before I jump without looking. Yup, she's that kind of crazy. Dragging the world behind her with one hand, first jumping then looking. Not me, I have to stop her. But sometimes I want to let her free, to see the destruction she will have. She has a lot of heart, and voice. Mine in comparison stutters and looks down. she comes out sometimes with my friends, and sometimes I let her stay behind the curtain. What if I set her free? Let her roam for while? What is the trouble she will cause. So much I suppose. But yet, like Jose Luis Borges sometimes they get blurred and meshed into one not knowing which is which. Unlike Beyonce who pops up her alter ego Sasha Fierce.  So little one only when you are angry do you appear, in my writings you appear. I wonder if anyone reads this blog. Can you tell the difference between my personalities??
                                                                       xoxo,
                                                                        bEe

Neglection.

We all feel at one point or another we cannot deny that. But what I have noticed is that rejection it runs in circles. How you say? Simple I felt rejected by one of my friends here, I felt that because she had her close friend as a roommate I was now pushed aside into another dimension. It sucked balls. I was downgraded from hang out room to not even lunch buddies anymore. But I failed to realize that she herself is going through neglected period. As her friends moved on without her when they got their new place is was also a sense of being replaced, when one was chosen over the other after she made friends with her apartment and dance group, my friend like myself got pushed aside. But instead on leaning on me, she leaned on her roommate which is also her close friend because in a way she would never fully abandon her. So where does that leave me? I guess to find a new click right? I know what you are all thinking, well just hang out with her and her roommate she's your friend too. Well technically they both are. However, I feel like they have more in common together, bond in a different way that I do. Don't get me wrong I try to learn about the stuff their into and learn more about what they like, but it always ends up the same they leave me out... Now I know I should confront them and tell then how I feel but, I hate confrontations I really do. After I got sick,t hey started to see how much pressure I was in and how it was affecting my health. I guess they saw how lonely I was or maybe they felt bad. Either way a friendship is like a relationship you have to take care of it, you have to make sure both parties are putting in an equal amount of work. So while we get neglected by one we leaned on another and neglect the rest it becomes a vicious cycle of neglection. It takes time, it is not so easy to do. I know we need to work at it. Communication is key, so when to speak up and when to stay silent is important. For now, I am silent but there will come a time where I will speak up and say enough I'm important to. Because I am because were friends and because we care about each other.
                                                                   xoxo,
                                                                       bEe

Both of us.

"Someday, I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us." Sometimes we feel so alone in this big world, feeling left out  from the rest of the world. Missing those moments in life so precious in life, because we need to do work and school. It is sad. I wonder if you are lonely as I am, sometimes I feel that I am the only one feeling this way all alone so separated from you then i talk to you just for an hour and its like we might be separated from each other but connected in a deeper. Right now i wonder where you are and if you feel the same. pick up the phone and call, I say. But I am angry, but I am also to blame. This pride is too much. Maybe I don't want to break down. So I lean on someone else, someone who tells me he loves and cares for me, yet he tells me I am being to needy and that you need "space". I guess sometimes you are needy is that bad. Just feeling so low sometimes you need someone lean on you. Someday I'll come back home, come back to the place where I belong, where my family is. Where my baby is. To watch her grow to be part of her life more than ever. I hate to abandon you in your prime time. Watch make friends, tell mom and dad that your learning new things. I love watching you. How your smile brights up my day in any given second. How when I'm sad you come in and sing to me, the way your voice just comforts me its amazing that such a little princess came make me feel so good.You are my sunshine,the light at the end of the tunnel. To hear your voice when I am sad is all I need, to have you comfort me. You might not even know why, but you don't have to you just know and there for me. I write for you. To let you know I love you so much, that though I might not be there I will always be there in some form or another. Right now. NEEDY. That is what I feel. 
                             xoxo,
                              bEe

by the heartstrings..

Sometimes I have to take a step back and remember I don't know you that well. Sometimes you can be insensitive, other times a sweetheart. Then sometimes I can be jerk, treating you badly. I realized that all of those years of denial everyone was right about me. I am scared. I am terrified. Opening up those familiar feelings also brings back all the hurt and pain that came along with it. I guess coming into this all over again it begins once more. All those insecurities that were there before are still here. Because I am still fairly new at this it is still scary to think someone can say all those nice things and then take them back. Pretend like they never existed. To say they disappeared. Sad to say is when I get attached I get attached because I care about the person but either I pretend that I don't and push away or just pretend like it was nothing. Maybe I am scared of just being friends first, of slowing things down knowing if you knew everything you wouldn't like me anymore and it would be either to leave. And I don't want that. I'm afraid like all the rest you won't wait. But then again if you think I am not worth waiting for, you don't have to wait. It is easier said than done, once I've grown attached its hard to go backwards when all you wanna do is go forward. But my daddy has a point the faster you fall the bigger the hurt. I'm learning.<3.

                                                                            xoxo,

                                                                               bEe

The Semester ends.

As I leave behind my first semester at Berkeley, I can truly say that I am blessed. I was fortunate enough to have an amazing roommate and floor-mates who welcomed me with open arms. They were all so kind and genuine to me I cannot fathom to imagine other floor-mates like themselves. Though in the beginning I was homesick, and sad to leave my family I knew it would only get more difficult to carry on, but I continued I survived. It was difficult, but it was pretty easy going, I know next semester I am going to have to work my hardest and do my work correctly to get good grades life is a roller coaster ride and I am only along for the ride. You brought me friendships and much more than. Berkeley brought me someone different, something I never expected, he's different for sure but he wants to make me happy, were opposites we know but what else can I say were testing the waters. I miss my family soo much. I loved seeing them pull up on the driveway it was amazing. Especially my baby, I love her so much. I can only hope for the best.College brought me new experiences to look at, new ways to look at life and realized you cannot trust everybody and sometimes it can also bring you tragedy. It was a whirlwind, it was something I can never take back. I am barely beginning, my journey has just begun.

                                                                                  xoxo,

                                                                                  bEe
                                                                             

Career.

I guess I've always known what I wanted to be. By age six, is when I decided that I wanted to be a teacher because it seemed like the most amazing thing to be to do. As I grew older I doubted but, there were people, mentors, teachers who each had their own style that made me think this is what I wanted. They were crazy, they were strict, they were everywhere but I took something from each of them. According to my friend, I'm a feeler, not a thinker I let my emotions lead the way. As I listen to these teachers from my scholarship ceremonies who have never lost their passion for what they do, it inspires me. Sometimes I wonder, can I loose that passion of being a teacher that so many loose along the way. As I watch Mr. Worth get excited because I understand problem, or Ms. Jimenez when she teaches and gets the class join in. Or even Ms. Fujita who scares me in front of the class however, pushes you to your limit to demand  more of you because she knows you can do it. She won't baby you, she wants you to go as far you can. My inspirations. I don't want to loose my passion for the only thing that felt RIGHT in my life. Something that I actually feel that I will get it right. A thinker might say to me, you can't touch everyone its impossible. To that I might say that I know I can't but I'll be damned if I did not try my hardest to help that person. At least then I can be able to say, I didn't stand by and do nothing, I tried and that's the best I could ask for myself. Sure I might cry..I might get angry..but there's something inside me that believes that this is what I am suppose to be doing..I can't explain it..does that make it wrong.

                                                                       xoxo,

                                                                       bEe

New beginnings.

 So here I am all alone now. This transition was more difficult that I could have imagined. I miss my family, like no other. Everyone here is of course sweet. But it's not my home. It's not my comfort zone. People tell me it would take time..I guess some are easier than others. And just when you think you have it all you are taken aback a few steps, when my sis did not want to talk to me because she thought I abandoned her. It crushed me, more than that it broke me. Sure she doesn't understand but it doesn't matter it still hurts for someone to think that you abandoned them. I love her to death. So here I go into this world and I hope I don't fall. Quoting B.O.B. "It was dream, just a moment, I was up so high, looking at the sky, don't let me fall." It seemed so far away now I'm here chasing after this ludicrous dream. To prove I belong here. But I do. I was made for this. What does not kill me makes me stronger. And even though it's hard and I might want to give, I know  I have people looking out for me. Keep me grounded.

Mantra for this week: Kelly Clarkson's Stronger

                                                                                                           xoxo,
                                                                                                            bumble bee

New beginnings.

I guess it's an understatement to say I am nervous. To say that I am scared. To say I really feel like I might pee my pants. I might pee and shit at the same time. Yeah it's that bad. I am just nervous to be thrust into a world I have no control over. I am scared to see what will happen. To be left alone. I'm not really good at communication skills, but I guess its like my coworker said to me, "you have to get out of your bubble". And out I go. I guess writing does help reveal all this stress. I'm just worried, so many payments, so little time. I just don't know who to turn or where to turn to. Ahhh. I just need to ask for help. Help. Help. Help. I guess that did not work. Lol. Now to step two. Calling the school for help. Here I go wish me luck.

                                                                      xoxo,

                                                                     bee

"proud of you"

10 words. so easy to say. but then why has it taken you so long to say it. Sure your actions might say it. But what about the they way you do your actions. I am not a mind reader. I cannot tell when you're proud of me. Because your afraid of letting me go..you don't say. You say in a different way..but I don't speak that language. So we can't communicate. Until you scream in my face I would have never guessed. But I don't want it like that. I want unforced..full love..full of joy. So how is it when sitting in the doctor's office that a complete stranger might look at me with the most sincere smile and say.."I'm proud of you". With a teared filled smile, I say "thank you" I hold back to break down and tell this complete stranger that I have never heard those words that way..so full of joy and heart. so sweetly cherished. I know I am too emotional. But to this stranger that did not seem to bother her,,maybe its her job..but she did not have to defend me..yet she did. So why can't you see that it's okay for me to be me. To cry when I want to cry. Cannot you see, that you are pushing me. You are the reason that I feel the need to cry. I am affectionate. I love full force, and passionately. That is me. That is who I am. I am sorry I would never be someone strong enough for you. I like myself. Yeah I wish I was stronger. But somewhere out there, I truly believe that I can make it. I might fall, and cry A LOT. But at the end I'm going to make it. No matter what you think of me. I know you love me..but just accept me. for me.

                                                                                     xoxo,

                                                                                       bEe

I really don't know sometimes. Sometimes a put up a front, but inside I'm weak and crumbling. But I choose not to show it. Around me people believe that showing parts of one's emotion like crying is a sign of weakness. I guessed I failed in that aspect.Being a weakling and defenseless is another sign of my weakness. So what is my strong point? I have a short fuse, anger issues that stretch if you push me. So where is my base, my strong point. I might not even have one. People even say that loving someone too much can also be your downfall. If that's so keep piling on the list. I wish I knew the answers sometimes. to know that I am going to be okay..that I can trust my family. That they know I do love them..but I  have to do this for me. To them it is like I am abandoning them..I took it as not wanting me to leave but in reality it was fear..I pushed because i thought they did not care. Whether they said they do it did not come off that way. You don't know how much I cried..how much I suffered because you thought I hated my family because you thought I was abandoning you and who I was. I lost myself a long time ago, but I came back to the person I wanted to be, and I am working on that. But you can't see that can't you? You only see what you want to see, what you choose yo see? So what if I rely on other family members is that not what they are for? They understand me..you see it as back talk as if I am insulting you..unlike you I need to express who I am..and if that is in a form of crying then so be it ..I am weak. I love you. But I hope you come to understand all I wanted was to to pay you back. To make sure at the end nothing hurts you, no payments no stress. I wanted to be the one, to take it all away. But you don't see that...and you might never will.
                                                                                                 xoxo,
                                                                        bEe

saying goodbye might be the hardest thing to do.

 I guess I knew things would be different this time. You are growing. You are experiencing love for the first time. I can't hold you back, but let you flourish. Let you take the path you choose. You seem a little restrained. You were afraid to. That things have changed. And they have. I'm still here, so are you. Time spent with you was too short. Sharing with the ones you love, of course I come second I understand they miss you and need you. I guess it is going to be different now. Some challenges here, some obstacles there. All I can do is be there to support you. But I cannot be afraid to speak and tell you that I am breaking too. That I am hurting too. Scared to loose you forever, scared of change. Scared it won't be the same with us anymore. People say, not to worry that you have been together so long that you can overcome anything. Then on the other side I have people feeding me poison,, doubts, infecting me asking em so she didn't call? she did not spend time with you? she did not come by? It sticks with me it bugs me... I shrug it off, but it does. Now that you found someone I fear what all best friends fear that I will be pushed aside. I won't be the one you count on anymore. Or worse that me and him won't get along..what then?what would I do? I can't fret about it but I do at times I honestly do.

                                                                                                xoxo,

                                                                                                bEe

I swear.

Seriously. Sometimes I swear little sisters can be more than one bargains for. It's not that I don't love my little sister, I do. But just sometimes, okay maybe more than just sometimes I feel so irritated by her. She's just so jumpy and energetic and urghh sometimes all I want is peace and quiet. Makes me wonder if I would ever have children since I cannot even handle my own little bugger of a sister. And then mom comes rushing in to her defense like I beat her with a cane. Really? You think I am that much of a bitch. Chillax. I just like my privacy I don't like you snooping around my stuff, I am not doing ANYTHING wrong its just nice for once to receive my own privacy for once in awhile with one opening the door when your doing something and leaving it open, to look over your shoulder on the computer screen when your typing, or to hear phone conversations when your on the phone. If I need to talk I'll tell you but geeze woman for once I would like some independence. I like my space, my bubble. I am not shutting you out don't think like that but I would like a place of my own a sanctuary you would say a place for me that no one knows about but is just for me. Is that so much for me. I am not hiding I like to be alone to think to reflect and express my thoughts but I can't do that when one is constantly looking over my shoulder literally. I swear sometimes living in such close commodities can be curse than a blessing. Sure were super close but, with that comes no independent space no even a little. Push me down a hole and may I'll find my myself spiraling  into an Alice and Wonderland world..then again you still have to deal with creatures invading your space. =p

                                                                   xoxo,

                                                                   bee

rant.

Oh dear.Oh the cleverness of you. So dramatic.But aren't we all just a little over the top. Should not we all have are drama queen moment once in awhile? rant about life is tangent where we just need to let it all out? Go up to that jerk and tell him off how he broke your heart and do what many of us girls cannot do and only express it to our pillows or friends. If I could I would tell you that I honestly loved you, I fell hard and landed on that hard concrete mess of a pavement. Shattered and crushed I had to be literally picked up the floor. "I hate you." Are the words that I wanted to tell you, I wanted to make you jealous. But I missed you to much. You were my best friend. And then when I finally had you out of my thoughts out of my memory, loosening the grip you had over me, you knock me down back on my knees and had me break down to a Taylor Swift song while I did the most incredible rant about how Taylor Swift never really loved Taylor Lautner, when I was really ranting about you. Oh the power of a love song. Rant if I will I'll admit I'm dying to be knocked out of my socks by a guy that just throws me for a whirlwind. Prince Charmings please apply.=]
                                                                                                  xoxo,
                                                                                                    bee

understand me?good. At least were on the same page.

Stop.Give me a sec. kay? Overall I hear states of disillusionment around me, surprised? I guess not. The adult world comes with freedom, liberty, and the ever constant  pressures of responsibilities that was not your worry when you were a kid. However, when one takes the leap into the adult world sometimes we bite more than we could chew. How is this you say? You are dealing with family, your bills, your family's family, eviction and trying to keep it together. The pressures for a man to take responsibility to run the household is what society has created for generations in history, I would feel the pressure if its what society has out on me as well. To contrast though, I cannot feel obliged to be able to help as well, though mommy tells the little ones its not your concern how can you help it? how can you watch your family deal with some many pressures of just BARELY getting by and you there being able to do nothing? Is it fair you say? Of course not. But when is life ever fair. Contemplations. Mother's job to keep her family together, she's the fighter who will dig her nails in the ground to make sure her child is missing NOTHING, even if she herself will starve her ambitions be grinned to the ground to her its an act of love and nothing more. As I step into this adult shoes feeling them much to big, as i walk they slip off and I struggle to keep them on. So what if I do something I love, but doesn't support me, what if I do something I hate but it supports my family, what if I have to beg, steal and cheat to keep your family well and together? Is it wrong? most likely. But were they doing to survive? with out a doubt. Is there a right answer? you tell me. Will you yourself sacrifice your happiness like your parents did for you? Will you redden them as you wish? Does the cycle ever end? Who knows. I only know what I am seeing. I write it down for clarity, for sanity, for release. Give me strength. or better yet answers..

                                                                                                                       xoxo,

                                                                                                                        bee